CineSuccinct, The Inaugural Edition

An off-pastry topic, just cuz. Over the last couple weeks, I’ve rented a few movies based either on the belief that I’d like them or the recommendations of people, particularly of the "you would so love that movie! It’s so you!" variety. My pal Shorewoodian also sent me a care package of DVDs, adding to the filmfest. And finally, while I was visiting Down South, L and I watched the lowest grossing Disney movie ever. I bear witness to it here so you don’t have to.

I wanted to pass along the thumbs-up (or thumbs-down) without yammering on too much, so I’m introducing a new feature: CineSuccinct. The challenge for me, Miss Six-Words-Are-Better-Than-One (or, dare I say, Miss Wordy... see what I mean?), is to sum up the movie in one word or phrase, capturing the overall feel of the film, and then provide a one-sentence opinion. Or, okay, maybe two sentences. Not more than three, for sure.

Here goes:

Apocalypto: bitchin’ outfits. Sumptuous visuals and an adequate chase-based plot, but I couldn’t help wondering if the Mayans would have been more laidback and eased up on all the human sacrifice if they’d been able to get cheap and trendy clothes/modular furniture at H&M and Ikea instead of having to constantly build ever-bigger pyramids and pierce, tattoo and otherwise ornament themselves (Or were they Aztecs? Crap, I must have missed that subtitle).

Hot Fuzz: Supercop as only the Brits can do. Even funnier than "Shaun of the Dead" (done by the same team) and, yeah, I’ll say it... on par with Python at its best. This is a movie you’ll love or hate, but just one incredulous look from Simon Pegg and I’m in.

300: Nipples. Ok, this was a movie several people said I would like, which leaves me to wonder what kind of messages I’m sending that anyone would think I’d want to sit through a slow, hyper-stylized, video gamey wallow that reduces an interesting historical event to a bunch of tiresome special effects. Not even Gerard Butler shirtless could keep me interested, though I did notice he, like everyone else in the movie, men and women alike, always had perfectly erect nipples. What’s up with that?

Pathfinder: Blasphemy. An action flick about the Vikings meeting up with Native Americans in the 10th century sounds too good to be true; alas it was too awful to be believed, with Vikings pimped out in black eyeliner and Skeletor helmets out of a bad Franzoni illustration and the Native Americans so stereotyped as noble savages that I wanted to take an atlatl to the skulls of the "creative team" behind this debacle. For shame!

Newsies: Singin’ Strikin’ Newsboys! Bill Pullman needed the money bad enough to do this?? (Yes, this is the aforementioned low-grossing Disney flick.)

Rick: Predictable indie that thinks it’s clever and noirish. Bill Pullman needed the money bad enough to do this??

The Tesseract: Stupid box. I guess I’m supposed to be impressed by the flashy visuals knocked off from a zillion other action movies, but I just wanted to know what was in the box and, when I found out, promptly fell asleep.

Kitchen Confidential: Hey, it was funny! As someone who didn’t like the book and would prefer it if Anthony Bourdain came with a mute button, I was really surprised that I found the tv series based on his escapades to be so damn entertaining. Shorewoodian sent me the first season on DVD and I thought "oh, I’ll just watch one episode... well, I might as well watch the second... ok, so the third one is already starting... well, if I’ve watched this many already..." I watched the whole thing straight through. Of course, the show was cancelled mid-season. So much for me finding a tv show I can be loyal to (on a related note, would somebody please hook me up with the last two episodes of Rome, season one, so I can be ready when season two turns up on Redbox?)

I’m easing up on the movies for now, having exhausted the local Redbox lineup. Instead I’m reading The Devil’s Picnic, about forbidden foods (not nearly as exciting as it sounds, alas) and The Beasts That Hide From Man: Seeking the World’s Last Undiscovered Animals. I haven’t gotten there yet, but it has a chapter on the dobhar-chu, "Ireland’s murderous master otter," and another on "the Mongolian death worm."

Oh yeah.