The Presidential Endorsement You’ve All Been Waiting For

Dateline: Ogallala, Nebraska (really), January 31: At a press conference at the local Days Inn, held before an enthralled audience of one dog interested in the shredded chicken burrito she was holding, The Pastry Pirate announced her endorsement of a presidential candidate for the 2008 election in typically wordy and roundabout fashion.

"I have always envied the anti-abortionists, gun nuts, creationists and other single-issue voters for the simplicity of their decision-making process," said the Pirate, pausing to drop a small pile of shredded chicken into a dog bowl set on the floor.

"For several months this campaign season, I tried to find a single issue about which I cared deeply enough to use as a litmus test in selecting a candidate. Alas, although I eventually did find such an issue, none of the candidates have announced they are in favor of using fossilized DNA to bring about a second Age of Dinosaurs. Not even Ron Paul."

"Forced to review candidates on their positions across the board, or at least on their personal grooming habits, I immediately rejected all individuals who would not be the prettiest person at a world summit photo op," the Pirate explained, noting that her thoughtful methodology quickly eliminated Rudolph Giuliani, John McCain and Dennis Kucinich.

Bill Richardson, an early favorite, and John Edwards eliminated themselves. The Pirate also removed Mitt Romney from consideration, citing as her reason "I just don’t like the cut of his jib" as well as his disturbing resemblance to a mating of Ted Danson with Satan.

While Mike Huckabee scored points for his big, soulful eyes and willingness to get down with his bad self on the bass guitar, his refusal to accept fundamental tenets of science soured his chances of scoring a piratical endorsement.

"Part of me would love to see Ron Paul in the White House, largely because I think it would freak Putin out, but also because he looks like Ian McKellan as Gandalf, which I find strangely comforting," the Pirate continued. "But I don’t really want a nutball running the United States. At least, not until after I have emigrated to New Zealand."

With the field narrowed significantly, the Pastry Pirate said making her final decision was surprisingly easy.

"Given the quagmire of Washington politics, I don’t pay much attention to any of the candidates’ positions, plans or promises. No one’s going to get anything substantive done, so why look for substance? I am endorsing Barack Obama for president because he and I went to the same college (not Cookin’ School), he’s left-handed, his suits fit him nicely, and I think he would freak Putin out, just a little."

The Pastry Pirate noted a rumored running mate for Obama further cemented her support.

"I’ve read that Wes Clark is on Obama’s short list for vice presidential candidates to make up for his lack of foreign policy experience and military service. If Clark, my choice for president in 2004, were on the 2008 ticket, I would totally vote for him. He’s hot, he’s got cool titles like ‘The Hammer of the Serbs’ and ‘Supreme Commander’ and, most importantly, he once really really wanted to bomb the Russians, just ‘cuz. I support that."

The Pastry Pirate closed the press conference by noting that no candidate she has ever supported in any election has ever won anyway, so she’d probably switch her vote to Ron Paul at the last minute.