The Beginning of the End

I just paid my last bill here at Cookin' School.

My final term starts on Tuesday, and everyone in my class had to clear their bills up with the Bursar by today to get the little piece of paper that we must present to chef when our next class (Specialty Breads) starts.

I only had to pay a couple hundred bucks (I'm here mostly by the grace of grants and scholarships and a few modest loans), but handing that check over felt more momentous than I'd expected. I guess because I feel like I just got here, and that despite all I've learned, I've just now started to feel like maybe I know what I'm doing (a little, and only on certain topics).

I guess it's also A Big Deal because in three months and fifteen days, when I graduate, I have no idea where I'll go or what I'll do, where I'll live and, quite frankly, whether I'll be any good at this new career.

Yeah, I like it, I love it, but will I really be able to make a living as a pastry chef? I mean, I don't even like passion fruit, which seems to be a job requirement. Although I do have that Sharpies fetish, which certainly is part of the pastry chef's personality.

As one of my favorite classmates (a single woman from Korea who turns 36 tomorrow and came to the US for school because she's considered "too old" to go to pastry school in her country) said yesterday, "I'm sad because school is ending. I'm scared because school is ending. I don't want to go back out there."

I wouldn't say I'm scared, but the looming uncertainties, brought home to me today when I paid the Bursar, are unsettling, mostly because I'm not sure yet what I want to do "out there." I have a lot of ideas, but mostly for things five or more years down the road. The immediate post-graduation future is what gives me pause.

But not to leave you with a heavy post... yesterday was marzipan day in Chocolates class, and no, I did not eat my weight in the stuff, though I was very very happy. Mandilicious and I made port wine marzipans that I thought were fabulous, but then, that's pretty much how I feel about anything that involves marzipan. Good marzipan at least, not that waxy, grainy, excessively sweet crap that's marketed as such, especially in this country.

Today was Jelly day, and while other teams got to make gummi bears and fruit slices and such, we made PBJs, a layer of raspberry jelly with a milk chocolate peanut butter gianduja (nut-flavored chocolate) enrobed in dark chocolate, essentially another little chocolate. Hey, I'm not complaining. They came out well and we finished on time despite one problem... after I spread the gianduja in the frame, we tried it. It was so delicious we wound up eating all the extra in the bowl. Only a couple tablespoons, but... Darth Chocolate came over, tested the layer and said it wasn't even, we needed to fill it out with the extra gianduja... oops. burp... Note to self: do not eat product until you are sure you don't need it.

I took pictures, which I will post once I upload 'em, by the weekend at the latest.

Two more days of Chocolates class... I'm sad, because I've enjoyed it way more than I thought I would, and even at times harbor the notion of going into chocolates as a career (yes, I know, HA! Hey, just because I don't like chocolate doesn't mean I can't build a career on it). Specialty Breads class is not something I'm looking forward to either. Three words: 3:30am start time.

Ugh.