Some of you may recall that I camped Christmas Eve at Zion and spent that weekend hiking. The lower elevation hikes were great, as I like hiking in cold weather, but I was denied the hike I most wanted to accomplish: Angel’s Landing.
In all the literature, they bill the hike as "strenuous" and "extremely dangerous" and stress over and over it’s not a place for children or anyone with even a touch of acrophobia. Well, back in December, I set out on the trail only to get about 80% of the way, just to the "extremely dangerous" part, and have to turn back because the trail was a sheet of ice with neither foot- nor handholds.
To give you an idea of the hike, it’s 2.2 miles each way; not long by any means, but it’s the topography that’s a bitch. You start on a gradual ascent with switchbacks, go through a slot canyon and then "Walter’s Wiggles," a series of extremely steep, short switchbacks that takes you to Scout’s Landing, a fairly level plateau about a thousand feet up (that was as far as I got last time).
From there, the final push to Angel’s Landing is along a ridge that is variously described as "razor-like" or "knife-edge". You get the idea. The ridge is saddle shaped – you scramble up a steep incline on all fours, then down a steep decline, then up again to the summit. What makes it famously acrophobia-inducing is that the trail itself is two to four feet wide, all on uneven rock, and on either side of you is a sheer cliff, dropping down more than a thousand feet.
Personally, I have no fear of heights. In fact, I probably have an unhealthy case of acrophilia (I missed my calling as a trapeze artist). But a lot of people (it was pretty crowded, alas) got to Scout’s Landing and turned back or, unfortunately, kept going. There was one woman who started crying and shaking and sat down on the trail, unable to go forward or backward and causing a traffic jam because there was no room to pass (people eventually backed up so her husband could guide her back. I say "guide" because she refused to open her eyes, which to me is just ridiculous since she’s made it that much more dangerous for her and everyone else).
At another point, a young Australian woman coming down and I, going up, had to figure who went first through one of the extremely narrow sections. I told her to go ahead and she said "No, no. No, really... I can’t. I didn’t think I was afraid of heights until now." She just couldn’t get up the moxie to step out over a crumbly part of cliff.
Truth be told, I didn’t think it was that scary a hike. The view was beautiful and I have a tendency to fall and hurt myself only when walking on level ground. For me, the hard part was the physical beating my legs took, especially my bad ankle which doesn’t really like to be turned and twisted with weight on it, something that happened over and over as I climbed the rocks.
Unfortunately, an REI biddie* saw me pausing to give my ankle a break and decided that not only was I afraid of heights, but that I needed a "buddy" to talk me through.
(*REI biddie: a superfit retiree decked out head to toe in high-end gear such as REI or North Face or Columbia... I have gear from REI and North Face, sure, but I don’t go out in a matchy-matchy, perfectly accessorized and pressed outfit. I’ve found, generally speaking, that people who do show up on the trail looking like that have an irritating, condescending attitude towards the rest of us, especially those of us whose degree of fitness is hidden in an earth goddess body. I’m sure not all of them are like that... I just haven’t met the ones who aren’t, that’s all.)
"You can do it! You just have to build up your confidence!" She started squawking at me. "Now, don’t look down, just put your hand here and here and follow me..."
I know she meant well, in her patronizing way, but when I said "hey, I’m not afraid of heights, I just have to rest my bad ankle," she took this as "denial" and worked that much hard to be my personal motivational speaker.
Have I mentioned how much I hate motivational speakers?
I needed to get away from her, but it’s not exactly like I had an escape route. So I pretended to slip, one leg flying out over the empty air of the cliff as I gasped in faux terror.
"Ha, ha! April Fool’s!" I said to her with the maniacal grin I reserve for people I would like to hit in the head with a hammer.
I know, I'm a jackass.
The German guy behind me thought that was pretty funny (yes, it was April 1 that I did this). The REI biddie did not. She scowled at me and found a way to get some ways ahead of me very quickly.
The view at the top was indeed incredible, and worth the pain of it all – on the way down, my bad knee, miffeed at all the attention my bad ankle was getting, essentially said "look, I’ll go along for the ride, but don’t expect me to do anything like bear your weight." By the time I descended Walter’s Wiggles, the muscles on my good leg that were working that much harder because of my bum leg were just really pissed off about it all, so it took me twice as long to descend as it did to get up there.
Still worth it, though, especially because it erased my vexation over having to turn back in December.
Here are some shots of the hike, though it’s difficult to convey both the difficulty and the beauty of it.
At the trailhead: Angel's Landing looms in the center background. The sign reads "Warning! Falls from cliffs on this trail have resulted in death!" Yay, peril!
From Scout's Landing: the "extremely dangerous" final approach to Angel's Landing. When I was here in December, it was covered in ice. On April 1, it was covered in tourists, some of them up for the challenge but others, ah, not so much.
(Above) The view looking down from midway along the trail when I had to stop to let four shaking, hyperventilating teenage boys pass me on their way down. Honestly, it wasn't that bad. It's not like the trail was crawling with cows or anything (while I am immune to acrophobia, I do have a touch of bovinephobia).
(Below) The view down Zion Canyon from the summit. Gorgeous and perilous, everything I could ask for. If you visit this area of the country, you must see Zion. I really think it's the most breath-taking American park I've seen. But go between November and March. By April 1, it was teeming with crowds.
3 comments:
I worked at REI for five years and yes, they ARE all like that. And your "April Fools" tactic, I have to say, is the perfect way to handle these people!
...Although I should add, these REI biddies are the same people who will one day be eating in your restaurant. Luckily, you'll be sequestered away in the kitchen and won't have to deal with them (unless you take the Mario Batali approach and mingle with the crowd - having gotten good and drunk on a nice bottle of wine beforehand, of course).
Where have you been all my life, Tommy?
But seriously, when I'm a chef, I plan on being like the guy in the "Chef!" series on British tv, emerging from my kitchen only to screech invective at anyone who dares ask for salt... since I'll be a pastry chef, I probably won't have much occasion to do this, but I think I'll throw temper tantrums over requests for extra whipped cream ... or, something that actually happened in one of the restaurants where I worked, a request for "the caramelized bananas, but with no butter or sugar." The pastry chef working there were sorely tempted to microwave a banana until it was limp and blackened, but opted instead to prepare the dish with extra butter and then insist it had indeed been done "healthfully." Mm hmm.
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