My Vegas

Having lived here for more than three months now, and having had friends visit and ask for ideas on what to do, I feel I can comfortably suggest an itinerary for anyone planning a visit to Sin City and its environs.

My first tip would be to spend as little time as possible on the Strip. Okay, everyone should take a cruise, preferably on the top deck of the double-decker bus called The Deuce, up or down Las Vegas Blvd, preferably in the daylight when the dichotomy of fantastical artifice and Midwesterners in polyester can be most fully appreciated, but don't park yourself in your hotel for your stay.

Rent a car. You can spend ("waste" is perhaps a more accurate word choice) hours waiting for the CAT buses (I have. I know.), but unless you have the luxury of unlimited time, having your own wheels is infinitely more efficient.

When renting a car, keep in mind the following demographics:

80% of drivers on Las Vegas roads are recent arrivals from California who think nothing of making left turns from the right lane, swerving into your lane for no reason and pulling u-turns because the road they were on just, like, didn't feel right, you know? Also, for Californians, that special breed of driver, green means go, yellow means go faster, and red is, like, such a pretty color.

15% of drivers are other tourists like you who have no idea where the hell they're going either.

5% of drivers here are native Las Vegans (that's Vegans, not vegans...) who harbor deep animosity towards Californian transplants and tourists, and will seek to destroy you, or at least cut you off, at any given opportunity.

Once you've got wheels, here are some things to do:

See:

The Liberace Museum (Spencer and Tropicana, free shuttle service from the Strip): say what you will about the man, but he was a classic showman who knew the value of a spangle here or there (or everywhere). Make sure to take one of the tours, where a kindly old lady will give you all sorts of extra information about the only man ever known to mix Chopin with sequined hot pants.

The Atomic Testing Museum (on Flamingo, between Paradise and Swenson): while the Ground Zero Simulator is a let-down (flesh does not actually melt off your face or anything), they've got loads of Cold War propaganda, including Department of Defense videos, that will have you both laughing and shivering with terror. Always a refreshing combination.

Lake Mead (20 miles east of town): Red Rock, 15 miles west of town, gets a lot of visitors for its scenic loop drive and numerous day hike possibilities, but I like Lake Mead better for its vastness and variation. Start at the Alan Bible Visitor Center on its south edge, right by Hoover Dam, and take the north Lakeshore Drive all the way to Valley of Fire State Park, which I found more impressive than Red Rock and less crowded. It's a beautiful drive with plenty of pull-offs for impromptu hikes. If you've never seen Hoover Dam, you should at least do a drive by, to marvel at the engineering, speculate on the daily lives of the men who built it and, of course, giggle as you change time zones crossing back and forth over the dam, which separates Nevada from Arizona and Pacific from Mountain time zones. Just to the east of the Alan Bible Visitor Center for Lake Mead, by the way, is a nice walk along the old railway that brought supplies and equipment to the dam site. Great views of Lake Mead, and lots of bats in the old tunnels.

Cathedral Gorge State Park: ok, it's a bit of a haul, about two hours' drive north, but this small and usually empty park has neat hiking opportunities and its cool rock formations, unlike the the Strip, are 100% natural.

Zion National Park: another bit of a drive, this time two hours to the northeast and into Mormonistan, also known as Utah. This is a must-do if you are into hiking, breath-taking scenery and/or being humbled by nature. Do the scenic drive and also the tunnel leading to the east end of the park, another New Deal era construction marvel, but make sure to get out of your car and do some walking, too. Recommended hikes: Angel's Landing if you're not a wimp, Canyon Overlook and The Watchman if you worry you might be a wimp but still thirst for adventure, and Sand Bench Loop if you know you're a wimp and just want a nice, scenic albeit utterly flat and grounded stretch of the legs.

Shop:

Red Shoe (Sahara, past Valley View): if you want a memorable souvenir of Las Vegas, go here and buy yourself a pair of stripper shoes, which they carry in sizes up to a women's 13 (men's 11... hey, I don't judge). Be sure to check in the back of the store, on the left side, for clearance items that are often 75% off and available in larger sizes. Women who wear a 7 or 8 are probably like, so? But my fellow freak-footed sisters walking around in size 12 and bigger, you know we cherish the cheap thrill of finding six-inch platforms in our size, on sale no less.

Eat:

Firefly Lounge (Paradise, north of Flamingo): Open till the wee hours, this tapas bar was featured on Rachel Ray's "$40 a Day" show and yet is still cool. Delish blood orange mojitas and an extensive and tasty (and pretty affordable) tapas selection

Ali Baba (Eastern and Pebble): You definitely need your own wheels to get out to this place, a good half-hour drive (in light traffic) southeast of The Strip, but it's worth it for fabulous and authentic Lebanese food. The overenthusiastic band on weekend nights needs to learn volume control (though they're very good), but the fresh and perfectly done dishes more than make up for temporary deafness.

SeaBlue (in MGM Grand): This is my favorite Strip place to eat at because I like foods with pure, clean flavors and not a lot of frou-frou or gratuitous foie gras, which I don't care for to begin with. SeaBlue does a phenomenal job with seafood, especially the octopus tandoori and ahi tuna kibbeh, the grilled barramundi and succulent Maine dayboat scallops. I really like the direction the new pastry chef is going, too: try the lemon semifreddo with strawberry soup if it's offered.

Sunflower Market (Tropicana and Pecos, though there are other locations around town): for picnic lunches or grocery shopping, the Arizona-based Sunflower chain is second only to the divine Trader Joe's (also in Vegas... I go to the one at Sunset and Green Valley) for yummy yet affordable victuals. Sunflower has a much better produce and dairy section than Trader Joe's, too, though their cheese is to be avoided (too many times I had to return old and moldy product...).